grasping for words........

Tonight, I took the time to read a large part of my blog. I haven't done that in a long time. I realize that the former me, the one I was before I became a mother, was a good writer. The potential was there. Now that, thank G-d, I AM a mom, my brain cells are mostly dedicated to the well-being of my daughter. My writing skills have become rusty. Ideas and creativity does not flow as well. I am not sure what to blame this on - hormones, lack of sleep, anxiety about life? Does the mind change after motherhood begins? Perhaps this is why I need more ME time.

Oh, and note to self: ME time does not include Facebook!

comfort of strangers

When I'm in line at the store, I am generally keep to myself. I'm not a Chatty Cathy with the other patrons. For the most part, I despise small talk, mainly because it's superficial to me. There is a part of me that just wants to observe others, and take everything in. When this silence is broken, my wish is that it's short & sweet. Writing is more my forte, not speaking :0) (hence this blog!).

Anyways, the other day I was at the grocery store with my daughter. Thankfully, it was a pleasant experience (toting a young child to a store is always a gamble, and thank G-d, the world was aligned just right at that moment). As part of keeping my amazing child busy & mentally stimulated, I give her jobs in the store. One of which is to help load the items in our grocery cart onto the conveyor belt (is there a more technical term?). Most of the time, this works like a charm and the people in line usually find it amusing. This time, the woman in front of us was not only amused, I could tell she actually appreciated my child. She was probably in her mid-60's....very casually dressed, and all smiles. She commented on how it's so important for children to be involved and helping with the shopping. "It strengthens their math skills...their language skills..." Wow. It was nice just to be validated. She explained me to that she was a first grade teacher. I wasn't surprised. I could tell that she valued children for who they are: learning, growing beings. I wish I could always be that aware and cognizant of the wonder of childhood.

I know that parents (including myself) get so caught up in the stresses of life, that we forget that kids need to be in their magical world. They are not little adults and do not have the same brain as us. Don't make them grow up before it's time. This innocent stage really doesn't last very long. Let them be silly, and be silly with them. Learn with and from them.

Of course, I say this now. But I hope I don't forget I do believe in this, even when the wind has long been taken out of my sails.

focus....focus....focus!!!!

Hello, my blog.
My dear, darling blog.
I haven't talked to you in a long time.
Sorry.
My life has changed since I first started with you.
It's changed a LOT.
I've gone from yearning for a child to being a mom.
I'm a MOM!
Never thought that would happen. But it did.
My world is so different now.
Going from pregnancy to birth to diapers to breastfeeding to 'terrible 2's (they weren't that terrible!) to preschool (now that's challenging!) to today...
Where do I go from here?
What do I focus on? Well, I mean here, not in life :)
Maybe I don't need a focus. It's really up to me.
I need a place to vent, to be the writer I could be.
So, here I am again, trying again to get this party started.
I'll try not to be a stranger....
Love, Me :)

the pain you don't see....

I recently heard about a young man who killed himself after a lifetime of depression. So sad. It's sad that he was so sad that he couldn't find a better solution for his pain. Perhaps he was told to just 'snap out of it' or perhaps depression is really just that difficult to conquer.

It's quite difficult to seek help for mental illness. Many factors can be attributed to being "off", and not everyone has the monetary resources to trot around town from specialist to specialist to find the cure. Hormonal changes, nutritional deficiencies (or food additives/allergies), genetic makeup, disorganization, emotional maturity (or immaturity) all can contribute to our misbehavior and cognitive health.

Plus, it's an invisible disease. Even though a person doesn't walk with a limp or require a wheelchair doesn't mean they are fully functional.

News like this bothers me, especially because so many suffer behind closed doors. People with mental health issues may try their best to appear normal to others, but silently struggle. Who can they turn to? How many friends and family are dealing with this? The perfect neighbor that everyone is jealous of might just be barely holding it together. How can we be a better support to others?

Women's Prayer Exchange

I just found an interesting website for women to submit their Hebrew name for other women to pray for them: http://www.chabad.org/tools/boards/board_details_cdo/type/10 Women basically can pray for each other - for whatever situation needs mending: money, children, finding a mate, needing peace in the home (Shalom Bayis), a refuah shelaymah (speedy recovery from an illness. I hope many women participate and get the answer to the prayers they have been needing.

patience

Today I was at the grocery store with my toddler, and I was in a slight hurry. I went around noon, so it was bustling with customers, many elderly, and many of them not moving very fast. I am usually understanding of this, but couple this with the fact that too many people were momentarily leaving their shopping carts in inconvenient places to retreive something off the shelf, and you've got a bad mood brewing somewhere. At one point, a 70-ish woman and her husband, were blocking an aisle with their cart. From my point of view, I thought that either they couldn't make up their mind where to go, or someone else was blocking them. I was annoyed, and said, within earshot of another customer, "what's going on?" The customer said to me, "it's hard for her to move".

It didn't even occur to me that she may have had a medical condition, or even a mental condition that keeps from proceeding. It made me realize that maybe it's really not about MY convenience, but about being understanding of another person's needs. At the end of the day, I can still walk, without pain, without balance issues, without confusion (most of the time). I should not take that for granted!

I hope I remember this the next time I need to go to the store.

my ID!

I'm convinced that one of the purposes of raising children is for the adult to relinquish power of their adult's inner id. It's now the child's turn to be an id, or self-centered. I think that many times, people get angry at their kids because the parents want to be able to do what they want & when they want. Being a parent means being responsible and striving to go beyond their own animal desires 24/7. It's ok for adults to have "Me Time", but it can't be a preoccupation.

Parenthetically, I honestly don't know how single parents manage without going completely crazy. If I didn't have my tag team member, my husband, to give me that 1/2 hour of respite when he comes home from work, I'm not sure what I'd do. Thank G-d for him!! :)

e-bleh!

I've been perusing the Ebay website for children's clothing bargains lately. My child is going to a preschool program soon and I wanted to get her nice, but durable clothing that I won't care if she gets dirty. After crossing my eyes from viewing endless offerings I've decided there should be a new rating scale on the site, to make the process easier:

1) Now That's Cute!! - Honey, You Should Bid Now!
2) They Wanna Pay HOW Much for Shipping?? To Ship An Elephant Would Cost Less!
3) Even Your Blind Aunt Millie Would Say this looks Hideous.
4) When We Say The Shirt has a Small Unnoticeable Stain, We Mean Only if You Wear It Inside Out and Backwards.
5) Yes, There REALLY are 75 Items for Sale in This Photo. Maybe if You Count the Lint?
6) This is Why People Hate Americans.

Now I don't hate America or Americans, but my pet peeve is the overcommercialization of cartoon images on clothing. I can handle a little bit of Elmo on a shirt here & there, but to put it on everything, like bedding & nightgowns, just rubs me the wrong way. It gets to the point where the manufacturers should be paying the consumer to advertise their icons. Anywho, I digress.

We'll see if I win any bids - and no surprises, please :)