pinch me

My baby is now (kayin harah, poo poo poo!) 5 months old. Where did the time go? I am still stunned that I am now a mommy. My husband & I really lucked out on this precious cutie. I know that there are countless others out there whose hearts are broken by childlessness. I don't understand this curse at all. It's an injustice to have to yearn so deeply and be denied such a basic need - to procreate and love a child. Each child that is born in this world is truly a miracle. I look at my daughter's radiant face all the time and I dare to ponder her origins. At some point, G-d determined that this angel shall be placed into our arms, and breathed life into her. I am so thankful for her.

on another note.....

I am uncertain as to the future of this blog. I started it as a sounding board for mainly my dealings with infertility and the process of IVF. Since I have joined the world of motherhood, I feel somewhat in between worlds. My life is filled with the responsibilities of taking care of my little one, and no longer about yearning for her existence.

She is here.

But neither my husband nor I have forgotten how difficult it has been to get to this point. Blood, sweat and tears. Many, many tears. We are parents, but the isolating pain of being childless makes us appreciate our daughter even more. We are very protective of her. Perhaps more so than other first time parents. I doubt it, but one should not blame us if we are.

Perhaps I'll start a new blog or continue this one. I'm sure that the theme of Ten Li Koach will continue with me beyond my alter life with IVF.

Wishing all a Chag Sameach!!!!

My angel

There have been so many times in the past few months I have wanted to write to my blog. I can't believe it's true, but I am finally a mother. In April, my beautiful daughter graced this earth. It is truly amazing yo me that such a gorgeous creature started out as a tiny dot. I look at her and I struggle to take it all in. This baby, this constant companion of mine, is my daughter. I am her mom. May G-d bless her always.

scared

I'm scared.

I'm at a precipice.

A child is to be born.

Very soon.

G-d willing everything will go well.

Can I be a mother?

Am I ready?

What will life be like on the other side?

Can I handle it?

I am frightened.

I am overwhelmed.

A little baby, a little miracle, will (G-d willing) be soon placed in my hands.

I don't yet know what will be.

It's what we've wanted. It's what my heart has been crying for, for so long.

And now that it's almost here, I'm scared to open the door.

G-d give me strength.

panicking.........

The world is going faster than I can run.

In fact I can’t even run.

Not anymore.

Even if I wanted to, my body won’t let me.

My increasingly rotund abdomen is slowing me down to a halt.

My brain, however, is turbulent with anxiety, lists, confusion and disbelief.

There is a baby growing inside me.

The infertility depression has been traded for a huge slap of reality.

THERE.. IS... A... BABY... GROWING... INSIDE... ME....!

For so many years I have been dreaming of this.

This is what my husband & I have wanted.

For so many years I have cried for this.

And now that it’s occurring, I am scared to death.

Who is this creature?

Do I really deserve this?

Does G-d know it’s me he blessed?

Do I really qualify?

Am I really ready?

Please still this panic in me.

It’s all getting too real.