underdogs

I recently went to a scholarship dinner for my alma mater, a very popular & increasingly prestigious Orthodox Jewish high school. I, on the other hand, was anything but popular & prestigious back in my teen years. Oy, my freshman year was just brutal. I entered that school knowing almost no one. I was surrounded by cliques of life long gum-chomping friends who knitted kippot for scads of nameless boys who were invariably giggled about between gum chomps. Like a scared monkey in a frightening psychological experiment, I clung to whomever would talk to me. I had maybe 4 friends that year, failed miserably (who fails enthusiastically??) in most of my classes and contemplated transferring to a public school every day (as if that wouldn’t be more brutal??!).

Somehow I survived that year, and came back as a sophmore who just didn’t give a sh*t. I wore chains. Fishnet gloves. Black hiking boots. Obscure band t-shirts. I dressed like a punk rocker. I wanted to exude a tough and unapproachable façade (think Judd Nelson’s character from the Breakfast Club but much cuter). My daily mantra was: Screw you all, you conformists, you idiots who blindly buy your clothes from The Gap. Stay on your side of the hall with the rest of the sheep and no one will get hurt.

But I hurt.

I smugly viewed everyone as a sad failure of society. It hid my pain of feeling alone. Of feeling different. I WAS different. I was shy, very creative, undisciplined in my studies, a child of divorce, and lacking any self-esteem. Many years later, I realized that many of the popular students that I idealized from afar were more screwed up than I was. This gives my 14 year old self no comfort. I wish I had more guidance and joy back then. Someone to show me the way. Those waters were treacherous.

As I sat at the scholarship banquet, enjoying my dinner with some of my alumni (the ones I liked back then J), a video presentation was shown of the fine work the school is doing. Many picture-perfect perky students excelling at math, science and Torah (oh yeah, that!) were interviewed. It’s a great marketing tool, and it even made me want to whip out my checkbook.

But I wanted to see the video they DIDN’T show. Pan the camera left, away from Ms. Teen USA, away from AP-Calculus broad, away from Benneton boy, and PUH-leeze far far away from the gum-chompers, and you will see my teen world. The underbelly. The have-potential-but-lacking-motivation-junior- college-bound crew. It may not bring in the heavy donors, but I’m rooting for them.

little lamb lost in the woods...

I feel a bit lost lately.

There are so many things that I want.

I want a baby.

I want a child that I can say, this is mine. This is my daughter or my son.

My wonderful husband & I are still in the pre-parenting world.

I don’t know what your world is like, the world of people who worry about tuition, doctor visits, homework, soccer tryouts (or in our case, would be little league or karate!), sleepovers, and assorted other worries/concerns.

I am scared that I will never know this.

I want to be able to give all of my love to a child, not a few hours of admiration from afar when we have guests with kids.

I have to keep my distance.

It’s so frustrating.

I know that parenting is not a piece of cake.

But I want my slice.

I am scared of it, but still yearning for it.

Please G-d, what will be?

I’m tired of having hobbies, distractions, depressions.

I fear the answer will be no.

Gemini is, is as Gemini does

While I don't believe in horoscopes, except the days that it says a large sum of money is in the stars for me, I am finding it hard not to whiff a bit of accuracy. I am a Gemini, so that means I am charming and fickle fickle fickle. One day I want to start knitting a sweater, and the next I have abandoned that for wanting to learn martial arts. Maybe it's my fate to be so ADD, but as long as I temper my excitement when latching on to something new, I usually land on solid ground. Something I've learned in my new age.

A few days ago, I professed my admiration for Michael Buble'. He's still the cat's meow, but I am learning of other modern jazz singers (NOT Neil Diamond!!) that I am starting to groove to:

Steve Tyrell (you've heard of him - he's on a lot of soundtracks).
Jane Monheit (a gorgeous voice)

Maybe I am getting older, or maybe I just now have more access to good music but I am starting to really appreciate jazz. This is not the name chick 20 years ago who professed her undying love to Duran Duran (who still rock, I must say).

Have a good Sunday.....