my notebook

Well, it took me over 30 years, but I finally cried at a movie.  Not that this is necessarily a rite of passage for my being a female, but for me, my repressed me, it’s epic.  Maybe it’s my hormones, maybe it’s my ‘mature’ age, but this film moved me to tears – again and again.  It’s called The Notebook.  It wasn’t what I expected.  As I mentioned before, I joined an online DVD subscription service, and now that I’m hooked, I’m taking the opportunity to see as many movies as I can.  It’s my perhaps vain attempt to be cultured and live vicariously through the characters’ lives.  It’s my escape from thinking about our stressful life.  Most of the movies I’ve rented are horrible – so horrible that I don’t even bother nagging my husband to watch them with me (yes, aren’t I just the martyr?).  Instead, I borrow my husband’s 7” travel DVD player and prop up my pillows in bed and watch the movies on my lap.  It’s a welcome distraction.    

(**SPOILER ALERT***please note, if you haven’t seen the movie yet and don’t wish to see any spoilers, don’t read any further!)

Tonight, as I watched The Notebook, I really enjoyed the honesty and playfulness of the characters.  I found myself wishing I were as young and uninhibited as the lovers in the movie.  I cried…I cried as I realized that the old couple in the film were the young lovers so many years ago…and I cried because the old man, played by James Garner, still called his elderly & dementia-ridden wife “sweetheart”, just like a young man in love would.  I want that so much.  I want to grow old with my husband, who I know loves me more than anything.  I want so much to deserve that.  Not so many years ago, when I was single and quite depressed, I imagined that I would never marry.  I saw myself as an old maid.  I never thought I would find my true Beshert.  But now, I am living that.  I am married to a wonderful, loving, brilliant, strong, dedicated, protective, proud man (don’t forget he’s a great chef).  I have it made.  Even without children in our lives, I feel that our lives DO have meaning.  The fact that we love each other so much is so priceless to me.  Yes, it’s true that I am very emotional, perhaps more emotional than usual because of the hormonal fertility drugs (which I recently stopped taking…more about that later).  I feel (and fear) that there are so many things in life that is uncertain and can be so easily broken and lost. I don’t want to ever lose my husband.  I never want to feel the pain of not having him in my life.  When we die, will he still be with me?  Is this everlasting?  Of course, I don’t expect either of us to die anytime soon (G-d forbid!) but this movie really got me shaken up….I just hope that Hashem is listening to me…and I hope that maybe if children aren’t in our future, that he at least enables us to find meaning in other ways and find true happiness.

By the way, I did stop taking the fertility drugs.  This past IVF cycle failed.  I had two pregnancy tests:  one after the embryo transfer, which came up positive (!).  Two days later, the hormone levels dropped dramatically, and we were told to shut everything down.  Hence, our deep sadness.  We are living with coping with this outcome and the shock has worn off somewhat.  I’ve been sleeping terribly and I wake up in the middle of the night crying because of what I don’t have….a warm baby with a fuzzy bald head to kiss.  Will I ever have that??  I don’t know.  I don’t know what the future holds.  But really, as long as I have my sweet husband, I’ll be fine.