thou shalt not stabbeth thy self

Well I survived the first injection. I had insisted to my husband and to everyone else that I would be the one to give myself the shots, at least the subcutaneous ones. I studied the technique. I read many manuals. I perused the drug literature several times. I felt ready. It looked like a breeze (diabetics do it every day, why can't I?). So on Shabbos, about an hour before I was supposed to do the deed, I got major shpilkes (nervous nelly syndrome). I kept walking into the living room, where my husband was reading his latest paperback, and I said "maybe I should start preparing now for the shot". My husband looked at me as he does every time I get nervous about something new. This wasn't just something new - I was about to stab myself!!

At about 15 minutes before the self-assigned time, I sat down at the dining room table and started to assemble the injection kit, which contains alchohol pads, a small vial of Lupron, and sterile insuline syringes. It was quite surreal. This now was a part of our lives. I began to slowly panic.....

How hard should I inject? Will it hurt so bad that I'll faint? Will it feel like a safety pin? What if it won't go in?? And I have to do this every day and soon to be twice a day! If I can't do it myself, then I'm really a big baby!!

I dutifully re-read the clinic's patient instructions and follow it as if a recipie: wash hands (I did twice), wipe top of vial with alcohol pad, insert needle into the vial, draw the Lupron in to the syringe, make sure of no air bubbles, wipe injection site with alcohol pad, pinch injection site, position syringe in hand to inject Lupron into skin, and...and...and....HAND WON'T GO! With husband standing next to me for support, he witnessed me attempting to inject myself, but somehow the needle never touched my skin. "Ok honey, it's like taking off a Band-Aid....just DO it". I tried that - for 35 minutes I tried to muster up courage and talk myself into doing it....counting 1, 2, 3....and my hand chickened out every time. More panic. I started to hyperventilate. My hand that held the syringe turned ice cold. I was scared. I started to cry. I'm such a baby, I thought. My husband, who was understandibly at the end of his rope of being coach, finally said to me "do you want me to do this?".

I reluctantly said yes - I was paralyzed by fear, and at this point, did't want anyone to inject me. He then walked over to the bathroom to wash his hands, and came back to me. I was still pinching the injection site for dear life. "Let go" he said, as he took over and I closed my eyes. It took 2 seconds. It was over. HE DID IT!!!! I didn't even feel it. I thought for a split second that it didn't work. But he did it!! Thank G-d for my husband. He saved the day!! I hugged him and said thanked him profusely. It was over. At least for tonight. He offers to do this again tomorrow for me. Maybe I'll try it again myself after a few days, but it's so wonderful to know that my darling husband is willing to do it and is quite competent at this. One less thing to stress about!

getting pricked

So this Shabbos afternoon I'm scheduled to start the injections. I've been told this won't be so bad. They are subcutaneous (under the skin, as opposed to into the muscle - those come later!), so they aren't supposed to hurt much. And yes, I can administer them myself. Can you imagine the horror of injecting a needle into your body? How many relaxation tapes will it take for me to get that goofy look on my face and say in my best Tony Robbins confindent voice, "yes I can take this challenge!". I've actually learned that if I just take one thing at a time, it's pretty duable (it's also don'table too :)

sunday morning

I haven't yet figured out how to doll this blog up. I wish I knew how to put those fancy graphics and make it look 'mine'. I dont' have the patience at the moment to do so. Oh well, I have much more pressing things to think about.

I am starting to feel more a peace with my fertility clinic. At first I was really kicking and screaming about this. Getting to this point has been a real struggle (read: emotional roller coaster ride from hell). For the past 10 years or so, I have swayed towards alternative medicine. If anyone has a clue about fertility treatment, it is ANYTHING but a natural treatment. First they stop your reproductive system and then they re-start it (by turbo charging to it!) so they can control it. I think the thing I had most issue with is that THEY are controlling me, my body. It scared the hell out of me. But only recently, I realized that the treatment is only temporary, and that to get to my goal (having children, yes there is a goal to all this mishegas) it's worth it for me!! I had a LOT of help in feeling positive about this (including from family members, strangers online on message boards, relaxation tapes, my Chinese medicine doctor, my dear husband, and probably, G-d and perhaps the souls of family members who have passed on!). If anyone out there is contemplating IVF, I can totally appreciate that it is a very scary process, and that it's so important to get as much info from people who have been through this before. The organization RESOLVE and the Jewish orthodox organization ATIME have been absolutely invaluable to me. In fact, if it weren't for ATIME, I am sure I would not have tried IVF.

Only recently did I really appreciate that these people at the clinic, that although we are giving them a ton of money, that they are helping us to achieve a miracle. It is truly a miracle that a human life comes from a single tiny little embryo. It's no easy task. Right now, it feels like so many things are on our side to help us along this scary but potentially very exciting journey. I am cautiously optimistic.

isn't this fun

So one of the wonderful side effects of taking some of these fertility drugs is having PMS 24 hours a day. The nurses of course tell me 'this is to be expected', so now I have to learn not to snap at people just because they are too cheerful for my liking. Maybe G-d is testing my midot. I know I am lousy at being patient when I am not feeling the greatest. Who is? You hear sometimes of people who are critically ill, are in pain, or just have a horrible life, yet they still are able to look beyond themselves and are sincerely concerned with the well-being of others. How do they do it? I know it is all ego. If I only could stop thinking of myself things would be good, right? What is a healthy balance? When is it proper to say, "hey I'm not feeling to spectactular, I need to lie down, but before I do, how is that diverticulitus of yours doing today?"

Maybe I need to learn to meditate like one of those ancient Yogis who can lower their blood pressure 100 points just by breathing.

Of course there are drugs.

nighty night!

Onward ho!

About a week ago the clinic started me on birth control pills. It's ironic, since my goals is TO get pregnant, not prevent it! The side effects so far has been foggyheadedness, a lingering nausea and headaches. Tylenol & peppermint tea are my constant companions. I dislike the idea of taking drugs, but they need to control my reproductive system before they start me on the major league injections. I'm not as scared of it as I was before. I think G-d is giving me strength, because I am really a big baby when it comes to the nitty gritty of pain.

I also need to learn to think more positively. Part of me thinks that thinking positively is lying to myself (yeah I can imagine telling myself that the injections are gonna feel SO good). But in the end, if it makes me a calmer person, it makes the entire process easier and hopefully gives it a chance to be more successful!

hopefully I won't get into any more power struggles with my scheduling nurse. That's a story for another day!

Lupe!

This month I am starting the protocols for IVF. Invitro fertilization. I think I spelled that wrong, but my mind is completely shot. Lots of things going on lately. My brother just got married and the celebrations are still going on. I am so happy for him, his new bride and the whole family. These sorts of events bring so many wonderful friends/family and other familiar faces together. Its lots of fun, but it's hard to be stretched so thin with this next chapter of our lives beginning. I hope to G-d we will only have to go through IVF just once. I'm less worried about the money than how high our stress levels will become. Will we be able to survive the next few months? Yes it's true that I have lots of support and I've been taking somewhat good care of myself, but still we will have to go through the motions of taking the drugs every single day. Feh. I pray that G-d will give us an easy time with this.