the pain you don't see....

I recently heard about a young man who killed himself after a lifetime of depression. So sad. It's sad that he was so sad that he couldn't find a better solution for his pain. Perhaps he was told to just 'snap out of it' or perhaps depression is really just that difficult to conquer.

It's quite difficult to seek help for mental illness. Many factors can be attributed to being "off", and not everyone has the monetary resources to trot around town from specialist to specialist to find the cure. Hormonal changes, nutritional deficiencies (or food additives/allergies), genetic makeup, disorganization, emotional maturity (or immaturity) all can contribute to our misbehavior and cognitive health.

Plus, it's an invisible disease. Even though a person doesn't walk with a limp or require a wheelchair doesn't mean they are fully functional.

News like this bothers me, especially because so many suffer behind closed doors. People with mental health issues may try their best to appear normal to others, but silently struggle. Who can they turn to? How many friends and family are dealing with this? The perfect neighbor that everyone is jealous of might just be barely holding it together. How can we be a better support to others?

Women's Prayer Exchange

I just found an interesting website for women to submit their Hebrew name for other women to pray for them: http://www.chabad.org/tools/boards/board_details_cdo/type/10 Women basically can pray for each other - for whatever situation needs mending: money, children, finding a mate, needing peace in the home (Shalom Bayis), a refuah shelaymah (speedy recovery from an illness. I hope many women participate and get the answer to the prayers they have been needing.

patience

Today I was at the grocery store with my toddler, and I was in a slight hurry. I went around noon, so it was bustling with customers, many elderly, and many of them not moving very fast. I am usually understanding of this, but couple this with the fact that too many people were momentarily leaving their shopping carts in inconvenient places to retreive something off the shelf, and you've got a bad mood brewing somewhere. At one point, a 70-ish woman and her husband, were blocking an aisle with their cart. From my point of view, I thought that either they couldn't make up their mind where to go, or someone else was blocking them. I was annoyed, and said, within earshot of another customer, "what's going on?" The customer said to me, "it's hard for her to move".

It didn't even occur to me that she may have had a medical condition, or even a mental condition that keeps from proceeding. It made me realize that maybe it's really not about MY convenience, but about being understanding of another person's needs. At the end of the day, I can still walk, without pain, without balance issues, without confusion (most of the time). I should not take that for granted!

I hope I remember this the next time I need to go to the store.

my ID!

I'm convinced that one of the purposes of raising children is for the adult to relinquish power of their adult's inner id. It's now the child's turn to be an id, or self-centered. I think that many times, people get angry at their kids because the parents want to be able to do what they want & when they want. Being a parent means being responsible and striving to go beyond their own animal desires 24/7. It's ok for adults to have "Me Time", but it can't be a preoccupation.

Parenthetically, I honestly don't know how single parents manage without going completely crazy. If I didn't have my tag team member, my husband, to give me that 1/2 hour of respite when he comes home from work, I'm not sure what I'd do. Thank G-d for him!! :)

e-bleh!

I've been perusing the Ebay website for children's clothing bargains lately. My child is going to a preschool program soon and I wanted to get her nice, but durable clothing that I won't care if she gets dirty. After crossing my eyes from viewing endless offerings I've decided there should be a new rating scale on the site, to make the process easier:

1) Now That's Cute!! - Honey, You Should Bid Now!
2) They Wanna Pay HOW Much for Shipping?? To Ship An Elephant Would Cost Less!
3) Even Your Blind Aunt Millie Would Say this looks Hideous.
4) When We Say The Shirt has a Small Unnoticeable Stain, We Mean Only if You Wear It Inside Out and Backwards.
5) Yes, There REALLY are 75 Items for Sale in This Photo. Maybe if You Count the Lint?
6) This is Why People Hate Americans.

Now I don't hate America or Americans, but my pet peeve is the overcommercialization of cartoon images on clothing. I can handle a little bit of Elmo on a shirt here & there, but to put it on everything, like bedding & nightgowns, just rubs me the wrong way. It gets to the point where the manufacturers should be paying the consumer to advertise their icons. Anywho, I digress.

We'll see if I win any bids - and no surprises, please :)

Hi, I'm New Here

I've been missing in action from this blog for months now. I could blame it on being busy as a new mom, but really, it's really because I'm really disorganized and sidetracked. There. I said it. Motherhood is hard on the psyche. I went through a really hard time last week where I doubted my importance on this earth. I think it's so important that moms get the opportunity to commiserate with other moms, so they don't believe they are alone. I don't do that nearly as much as I should.

I need to remind my self that it's my job as a mom to take care of myself. Mamma needs to be happy!

What's that small pitter pat?

I admit it. I'm nostalgic. Especially for things that remind me of my childhood. As I grow older and further away from that that time in my life, I search for tidbits that bring me back, even for a few moments. I don't wish to be a child again....but it would be nice to visit. Come with me, even if it is silly, and watch what tickled me way back when....

I love you dear, you're annoying, now write!!

I've been told by my dear husband that if I don't start writing again he will kill me. Ok, those are not his exact words. It was probably more along the lines of "your moodiness used to be slightly offset by the fact you are cute. Now it's beyond annoying. There's the door".

I have been going ga-ga lately. The first year of anything major, especially having a kid, can do a job on one's mental health. One year ago, I was able to leave the house without as much as a thought - get the car keys and go. These days, with an active baby in tow, leaving the house takes military strategy:

-Start leaving an hour before I need to leave.

-Is there enough milk in the bottle(s)? (even though I am exclusively nursing, a little milk in the bottle is a good pacifier when in line at the store).

-Do I have enough clean (cloth) diapers? (yes I am doing the cloth diaper thing and lovin' it).

-What mood is the baby in now? Is she awake? If she's asleep should I wake her now so that I can nurse her to be in a good enough mood to leave without crying in the car?

-Do I have at least 2 changes of baby clothes? (so sue me if I overpack, you wouldn't want me to have the child go naked!).

-Do I need to eat? Nursing makes me hungry ALL THE TIME. Is there anything to eat in the house????

-Make sure I have my cell phone. Did I charge it? WHERE is my cell phone??

-Where is my purse/wallet/planner - did I leave it upstairs again??

-Need to make sure I have THAT toy to bring with - is it clean? Did it I step on it? Don't want the child to get some strange infection because I wasn't careful, G-d forbid, poo poo poo!

-How warm/cold is it outside? Should I put the jacket/parka/3000 blankets on her?

-Oh shoot, what time is it??? I gotta go!!!


At the end of the day, Thank G-d this is what I worry about.

pinch me

My baby is now (kayin harah, poo poo poo!) 5 months old. Where did the time go? I am still stunned that I am now a mommy. My husband & I really lucked out on this precious cutie. I know that there are countless others out there whose hearts are broken by childlessness. I don't understand this curse at all. It's an injustice to have to yearn so deeply and be denied such a basic need - to procreate and love a child. Each child that is born in this world is truly a miracle. I look at my daughter's radiant face all the time and I dare to ponder her origins. At some point, G-d determined that this angel shall be placed into our arms, and breathed life into her. I am so thankful for her.

on another note.....

I am uncertain as to the future of this blog. I started it as a sounding board for mainly my dealings with infertility and the process of IVF. Since I have joined the world of motherhood, I feel somewhat in between worlds. My life is filled with the responsibilities of taking care of my little one, and no longer about yearning for her existence.

She is here.

But neither my husband nor I have forgotten how difficult it has been to get to this point. Blood, sweat and tears. Many, many tears. We are parents, but the isolating pain of being childless makes us appreciate our daughter even more. We are very protective of her. Perhaps more so than other first time parents. I doubt it, but one should not blame us if we are.

Perhaps I'll start a new blog or continue this one. I'm sure that the theme of Ten Li Koach will continue with me beyond my alter life with IVF.

Wishing all a Chag Sameach!!!!

My angel

There have been so many times in the past few months I have wanted to write to my blog. I can't believe it's true, but I am finally a mother. In April, my beautiful daughter graced this earth. It is truly amazing yo me that such a gorgeous creature started out as a tiny dot. I look at her and I struggle to take it all in. This baby, this constant companion of mine, is my daughter. I am her mom. May G-d bless her always.

scared

I'm scared.

I'm at a precipice.

A child is to be born.

Very soon.

G-d willing everything will go well.

Can I be a mother?

Am I ready?

What will life be like on the other side?

Can I handle it?

I am frightened.

I am overwhelmed.

A little baby, a little miracle, will (G-d willing) be soon placed in my hands.

I don't yet know what will be.

It's what we've wanted. It's what my heart has been crying for, for so long.

And now that it's almost here, I'm scared to open the door.

G-d give me strength.

panicking.........

The world is going faster than I can run.

In fact I can’t even run.

Not anymore.

Even if I wanted to, my body won’t let me.

My increasingly rotund abdomen is slowing me down to a halt.

My brain, however, is turbulent with anxiety, lists, confusion and disbelief.

There is a baby growing inside me.

The infertility depression has been traded for a huge slap of reality.

THERE.. IS... A... BABY... GROWING... INSIDE... ME....!

For so many years I have been dreaming of this.

This is what my husband & I have wanted.

For so many years I have cried for this.

And now that it’s occurring, I am scared to death.

Who is this creature?

Do I really deserve this?

Does G-d know it’s me he blessed?

Do I really qualify?

Am I really ready?

Please still this panic in me.

It’s all getting too real.

and sometimes, sometimes, the answer is yes......

It's been 5 months since I last blogged.

It's not that I haven't had anything to say.

It's just that I am speechless.

Befuddled.

More to the point, in denial.

For I am PREGNANT. 5 months strong.

Although this fact has been confirmed by a whirlwind of blood tests, ultrasounds, doppler instruments (what, is there a storm coming?), I still don't believe it.

We've been waiting almost 5 years for this. And now that it has, I can't process it.

Perhaps it's been the spicy meatballs that's been kicking me.

I never thought the IVF would work.

Never ever.

Is this really happening?

This is going to be (G-d willing, poo poo poo) one spoiled and loved child.

checking in....

I haven’t written in here for a very long time – over two months. I can’t think of a good reason other than feeling overwhelmed and not much to say. Sometimes I revert into myself, not wanting to socialize…and after a long day of work, the last thing I want to do is tax my brain more, reminding myself more about how I don’t have children. It’s become a way of life for me now – being the quirky-sometimes-witty gal who is mysteriously barren. Yes, I am different from you, the lucky, the blessed, the ones whom G-d granted children. There is a gap, sometimes a thousand miles wide, from your world to mine. I wish for just a moment, that I knew what it was like to hug a child, with the knowledge that THIS CHILD IS MINE. Sometimes I worry that I am so set in my not-yet-parenting ways that my fate IS to stay the way we are.

Okay enough of my whining….

What is on the forefront of my mind and many others is current state of our land Israel. I am extremely concerned about what lies ahead for Israel and for Jews around the world. As time goes by, the world is becoming increasingly polarized…and once again the Jews are alone…and we always have been alone….no matter how you slice it, I’m sure that Ms. Condolizza Rice, as pro-Israel as she is/or could be, will probably tell the Israel to use some restraint….we don’t want to upset the world for goodness sakes…Perhaps G-d is coming closer to us – he’s trying to lift the wool of denial from our eyes to show us what is important, to not turn from him anymore, to tell us we need to be good to each other….I hope whatever happens, that our generation will be worthy of having a happy ending….may Hashem bring protection, strength and peace to our loyal IDF soldiers!!!

Speaking of soldiers, I came across a way to give them a special thank you for all that they do – please see the link on how to surprise a solider with a gift of relaxation- they certainly do deserve it!

Here are a few more worthy charities to help out Israel:
Israel Emergency Fund - OU.org
N.A.V.A.H.
Meir Panim Soup Kitchens
Maccabee Institute
Magen David Adom

my (un)favorite rant

Sometimes I feel like I'm from another planet.

The childless planet.

I'm missing something.

I'm incomplete. I'm lost.

What is my purpose?

What will be?

I need your strength, G-d.

Our Matriarch Sarah lacked children most of her life.

I don't know how I can cope.

I want to feel good.

Will I feel the touch of my own child?

Where (are) is she/he (they)?

Please come out of hiding.

I'm ready to love you.

all or nothing...

Supposedly I like to write. I really do, once I am in the mood, or in the rush of an idea that flows really well. Otherwise, I don’t do it. I don’t like to feel like a failure, or admit I am as lost as I am. I feel so rusty. I have no clarity, in so many ways. I feel I have nothing interesting to write about anymore. Ok, so I don’t have any children. Boo Hoo. So much worse things could be happening to me. G-d Forbid, of course. I need something to awaken me. My soul has numbed. I’m tired of trying to inspire myself.

I can’t give up.

I'm trying....

lullabies unsung

I was surprised to find this website which shows a moving presentation on the emotional pain of infertility.  It makes those who have been through this feel a bit less alone, and helps others understand our world....

(By the way, there is music sung by Sarah McLachlan that plays during the presentation – if you are refraining from listening to music during the Omer, please turn off your speakers – the message is still pretty powerful)

IS it fixed yet?!?

I haven't posted in a while - one main reason is that I had been without internet access at my house since before Pesach. Yes, it is as painful as it sounds. Three Whole Weeks. Jeepers! And it was my own fault! *Somehow* my vacuum cleaner crashed into my precious computer in my frantic quest to clean for the holiday, and burnt out my NIC card. You know, the thingy that makes the computer tell the modem it's Internet Addict's Time. After many many hours & days of talking to some very sympathetic people in India, I gave in and hired a tech to come out to my house. Believe me, it's totally worth it. It's cheaper than therapy and just as therapeutic. I think my husband can call off the search party for his sweet & adorable wife. She's back, at least as long as this computer feels well. And I think I can give my broom back.

Adoption......

The winds are blowing in that direction.

It has been for some time.

Will I ever be a mom?

Will my husband be a dad?

What will be that be like?

Can a baby not born to me be mine?

So much unknown.

I want it.

I fear it.

So many thoughts.

We're tired of living without.

I want a child, someone

to nurture,

to teach, to enjoy, to love,

to guide, to be proud of.

Is this me?

Can I handle it?

Of course I can.

Of course we can.

I'm walking to you, child...where are you?

Please show me the way.....

Matisya-2

Ok, it's been a few weeks since I last posted, and I said I was going to continue writing on my review of the Matisyahu concert....but I've been pretty distracted lately with life, so, here, as Paul Harvey says, is the rest of the story....

When my husband & I were in the block-long line to get into the venue, we were checking out the others in line - how many others here were Yidden? I could only find an occassional kippah or Lubab talking on a cell phone/ As we got closer to the entrance, we were told by security that men & women would have to separate into different lines. We immediately thought, Is the Show THAT frum?!? Separate seating? How would that be possible??! How would I find my husband?? But silly us, it was for security purposes, so that we could be pat down by a same-sex security guard. Were they expecting such a rough crowd?

Anywho, we finally get inside and the place is packed with hip twentysomethings. The opening act, whose name escapes me and someone I had never heard of anyway, is singing a reggae inspired rock song - something in the Matis 'genre'. I scan the crowd. Hedondist Central. They dance and sway affectionately to the music. Are all these people here for Matis? Do they know he's Lubab? Do they know what that means? How did Matis pull this off?

I smell weed. It's official. It's a real concert.

The crowd becomes denser. Mentally and physically. I can't move without bumping into someone or someone bumping into me. The group of annoying beer drinking guys in front of me & my husband kept leaning over me to talk to their friends in back of us. Die. Yuppie. Scum.

Matis finally arrives. Black coat and all. The crowd is nuts over him. Many of the songs he does are on his new CD, Youth. It's just so surreal. During one of his songs he sings "Shema Yisroel Hashem Elokaynu Hashem Echad".....he says it a few times. And then, he covers his eyes with his hand and says it for real, saying Hashem's name. Whoa. These people just eat it up. They keep dancing! Then, during his most well-known song, A King without a Crown, there is a line that goes "I want Moshiach Now". He's got everyone singing "we want Moshiach now!".

To me, there is a lot more going on....why is this happening? Why is a a Lubavich ba'al teshuva who also happens to be a reggae singer, so successful in the mainstream? He is absolutely talented and a gifted singer/songwriter. But how on earth did he get past those record execs?? How??

There must be something deeper going on. Something beyond our control. Maybe G-d is telling us something. Judaism is good. Judaism is not the blithering idiot it is portrayed to be in Hollywood. We are much more than a red string and a bunch of oy veys. It's something real, and spiritual and everlasting. Perhaps his concerts and CDs do attract the masses, but if it causes a few off-the-derech Yidden to rediscover their Judaism, then it's worth it.