my intervention

There’s a show on A & E cable television called Intervention, which is a documentary that follows the lives of various ‘end of the road’ addicts. These people’s problems run the gamut, from heroin to bulimia to alcoholism. For some reason, these addicts agree to be filmed on this show – I don’t know how they are conned into it. None of them know that at the end of this particular journey will be an intervention, attended by various friends, family members, and an addictions interventionist. It’s very dramatic, with lots of tears and sometimes joy, especially when we find out that months later, the addict has a happy recovery. I don’t have lots of faith with addicts – my impression is that they will relapse, again and again, especially ones who are cocaine/heroin addicts. It’s got such a strong hold on them that perhaps being institutionalized is the only way to stay away from it. Of course, I have absolutely no direct experience with this, and most, if not all, of my opinions on this subject come from what I see on tv. So perhaps my opinion doesn’t amount to much. I haven’t endured their pain, so I cannot relate.

But sometimes I am jealous of them. They have a place to go to work out their demons. They can escape the real world for 90 days and get love and support and work through their issues. I have to stay here, in my lonely and frustrating world and work it out myself. I am depleted. I don’t know what I have left. My job is frustrating. I haven’t slept well in several weeks. I am always stressed. Why can’t they have a half-way house for people who are just sick of life and responsibilities? If I were a famous actress, I could claim just exhaustion and check into the hospital of my choice and be taken care of. I don’t have the luxury of slowing down and taking a break. Sure, I can listen to my relaxation CDs and do something nice for myself, like splurge on yet another book. But it’s only a distraction. The pain is still there. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I am just really depleted. I don’t feel in control. I want to change my life, maybe change careers, do something different, but I don’t know what. I can’t seem to stick to anything, except to things that are safe. It’s time to break free. But I need someone to show me the way.