fight it

Last night my husband & I watched the movie, Cinderella Man. The DVD had been collecting dust for the past month on our bookshelf - it's one of DVDs we rented from the online Blockbuster mail order service. We'd been meaning to see it sooner but I was reluctant to see any movie about boxing. More sports. How fun can that be? But of course, like most things that are attacked by my vast sinister imagination, are not as bad as I imagined. I actually enjoyed it. It was honest and riveting. One more story of how sheer will and determination can make anyone succeed.

Lately I have been under an incredible amount of stress and my emotions have tumulted from rage to hope to bottomless depression. Thankfully, the lows don't last more than a day or so, but this past week was particularly scary for me. My husband & I started to really fight and bicker. I really began to question why G-d put me on this earth. What do I have to live for? After I die, what in my life will I be able to show that I DID something worthwhile? I have no children and I don't know if and when any will show up. I never realized that would be such a depressing thought. I am at the point in my life that I want more than material things. Sure, it’s nice to have interests, like enjoy music, go to the theatre, to travel to warmer climates, buy nice clothes to build up one’s self esteem, etc., but when you die, all of that stuff will not matter. I fear that I will not do anything that matters. I am taking steps to change that, and in the meantime, I just need to hang on.

While I was watching the Cinderella Man film, I took in all the times that the main character, played by Russell Crowe, was boxing his opponent, especially in the end. It was a very gruelling fight, one that could easily end his boxing career. But he kept on going, visualizing all the reasons to keep on going, all the things he was living for, all the things he was fighting against. That’s when it hit me. I NEED TO fight this depression. Hit it hard. Fight back. When it strikes me again, just tell it, GO AWAY! I don’t need YOU!!! Ok, maybe that works on Oprah-Land, but in my world, who knows. I’ve done women’s kickboxing in the past, so I could just imagine myself punching a target with the word ‘depression’ on it (nah, a picture of the face of the person who's driving me nuts will do). Heck, I’ll do that every day if I have to. I’m tired of feeling lousy. I just pray that G-d will help show me the way.

By the way, this is Day 29 of NO chocolate. Is it time to break out the Godiva? It's got antioxidants!