how devastating....

I am just beside myself regarding what is happening in the southern states.  The entire city of New Orleans must be evacuated.  Bourbon Street is in ruins.  It is unbelievable the pain & suffering the citizens of these cities must be going through.  They have lost their homes, and most have no place to go.  It’s just devastating.  I found a few website that people can contribute money to help the Jewish communities that have suffered….so far I have found…
Chabad Hurricane Relief Fund
United Jewish Communities

It goes to show that we do not really have control over what happens in this world.  When we become arrogant and go off the derech, Hashem sends signals to knock us back into reality.  I dare not say that this is why this hurricane of this magnitude happened, but it is perhaps a reminder that we can always do better.  Always do another mitzvah, always be kind to others (a challenge for me).  May we only know of good times from now on!!!

hot potato

It is Monday night and in my fridge is currently a large Ziploc baggie of homemade baked cubed sweet potatoes.  Ordinarily, this delicious side dish (who am I kidding…meal) would be snarfed down by Shabbos morning, by yours truly.  My wonderful husband, the chef in the family, lovingly makes them for me several times a month for Friday night dinner.  Almost nothing makes me happier than these potatoes, which is seasoned with cinnamon, a little cayenne pepper, olive oil and salt.  It’s like eating candy…..ok, candy with fiber.  Nevertheless, any leftovers from Friday night are saved for Shabbos morning…and if it so happens that I don’t go to shul, I eat the remainder whilst reading the newspaper.  I don’t even bother getting a plate.  I just dig into my bag of goodness – one hand dirty with cinnamon crumbs, the other black with newspaper stains. Martha Stewart would be so proud.

This past Friday night, I could barely eat a few bites of this delicacy.  I’ve been on a bunch of new drugs since the retrieval – and they cause an encyclopedia of symptoms, including mimicking the symptoms of pregnancy (and none of them causing me to glow!!).  I am hoping that with the help of my alternative medicine connections, I can figure out how to feel better rather than add one more drug.

One more thing, the embryo transfer is scheduled for tomorrow morning.  It’s the pinnacle of a very long journey.  I’m finally getting very nervous.  If G-d willing, the embryos have survived the 5-6 day waiting period since fertilization, and they implant themselves successfully, then we start what is called 2WW or dreadfully called in the infertility world as the TWO WEEK WAIT.  It is then we will find out if all of our hard work (and I’m including myself, dear husband, the doctor, and nurses) have paid off.  It’s pretty much in G-d’s hands.  I guess I can only pray for Hashem to provide whatever is supposed to happen.  I just hope it’s the answer we are looking for….

another hurdle jumped!!!!

We got some very good news from the clinic today. Very encouraging. In a few days is the transfer (where they put the embryo(s) in me). I am trying not to get too excited about it, just trying to be even keeled. We have a few more challenges to meet, but hopefully Hashem will give us our dream. I never ever thought we would get to this point. This will be a good Shabbos!!!

I am taking less & less for granted these days. Everyone who supports us is much appreciated!!!

Twilight Zone

Well I’m back at home from the retrieval.  I don’t remember any of the procedure whatsoever.  I was given twilight sedation, which makes you forget everything.  I had never had sedation before so I was a bit concerned that I would somehow wake up during the procedure in psychotic pain.  All I remember is being told to lie down on the procedure table, and the next thing I know, I’m sitting in the big comfy chair in the recovery room.  When I was wheeled from the procedure room to recovery, my concerned husband told me that the nurse said that I’m a bit ‘drunk’.  Looking a bit glassy-eyed and swaying from side to side, I then proceeded to proclaim that I would like to have a drink of rum (which I don’t consume, unless it’s in pound cake…yum).  If there is anything I’ve learned about my experience this morning, it is that I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS DRUG!!  If only I could take this during other uncomfortable life experiences, like waiting in line at the DMV.

Anyways, I digress.  Recovery is moderately uncomfortable.  I guess I’ve felt worse, but I’m on enough drugs to hopefully counteract the swelling and pain.  The nurses will let us know tomorrow if this stage is a success.    

still grooving.....

Maybe I'm in denial, but I'm really doing fine at the moment. In two days, G-d willing, I will undergo the retrieval. I'm becoming less afraid of things that I once thought would be terrifying. I don't kid myself - this is hard work and is taxing emotionally & financially, but it is absolutely worth it. I never would have tried this if it had not been the encouragement of the brave souls on the message boards I visit almost every day ( www.atime.org) If anyone Jewish is going through any infertilty issue, I highly recommend that organization. I have never felt as supported by strangers as I have through them.

Ok, I'm still listening to my Gershon Veroba CD (http://www.veroba.net)- one of my favorite songs is one in hebrew called Tsur. Here's a link to a sample, http://cdbaby.com/mp3lofi/veroba5-12.m3u?cdbaby=7b97e0e0b4d266ec12b7785fda61fc70
You can't help but be in a good mood listening to it!

Thank G-d for Music.....

Today dear husband & I were in foul spirits. We were pretty down about our situation, with varying degrees of anger, sadness and despair. We can handle it when only ONE of us is in bad mood, but when both of us are angry, sad, whatever, it’s a lot more difficult to pick each other up. In fact, we don’t. I hate those times. We love each other very much, but during such a tremendous crisis such as this, it literally feels as if the world will end. The sun will never shine again. Nothing is funny anymore.

Well after running a bunch of much needed errands, we walked by one of the local Judaica shops. We had been meaning to buy a new havdalah candle (our current one was a pathetic messy stump), and perhaps they would have one for us to purchase. Well we walk in, and the store is more fancy-shmancy than I anticipated. Lots of expensive silver candelabras and kiddish cups. I began to have doubts that they would have a measly $2 havdalah candle. The store owner, a very pleasant Israeli transplant, asks us if she can help us. I felt guilty for saying I wanted to get such a small item, as I walked by the beautiful white Shabbos tablecloths for sale. She located a blue & white braided candle and handed it to me. Guilt guilt guilt. Oh I must look around. It’s the least I can do for walking into her store. I can’t give the impression that I don’t want to give her my business. Suddenly I spy a very large collection of Jewish CD’s. My husband knows what’s coming. It’s very similar to my chocolate addiction and my bookstore addiction...I must have one!! Just a taste. Let’s just listen to a few and let’s see what’s good…

The store owner, knowing that she had caught me, hook, line & sinker, sashayed over to the CD player on top of the display, and selected a few albums for me to listen to. She put in some Mordechai Ben David, and a few other CD’s I had never heard of…wow, something else to obsess about rather than IVF is a good thing! She put in a wonderful CD by Gershon Veroba called Impressions. It’s a compilation of the music of ‘modern’ singers (Celine Dion, Eric Clapton, Green Day, Chicago, Monkees) and using his own very clever & impressive Jewish-themed lyrics. I loved it so much that I wanted to buy several copies for my friends & family….ok, hold your horses, I told myself, impulse buying is not a good idea these lean days. However I told her that I also loved mizrachi music. Big mistake. She showed me the CD of a very hypnotic and beautiful Israeli singer. I am sucker for mizrachi music. I almost can’t resist…I’m adding this up in my head. Must resist!!

We check out and just buy the havdalah candle & the Gershon Veroba CD, blurting out that “we’ll be back again to buy more”. I am sure we are not kidding, but I hope we remember to do so soon.

When we got home, our mood was still a bit tinged with sadness and anger. In about 1/2 hour he would have to give me another injection - could it be for nothing? Are we wasting our time? Why are we going through this? Will we ever have children? Will they be biological? Does it matter? Will we ever be lucky enough to be parents??? As the time to dole out the medication arrived, my husband went to wash his hands & prepare the shot. I took the opportunity to open our new CD and put it in the player in the living room. I turned the volume up. As Gershon Veroba's singing transmitted throughout the room, I cracked a smile. This is good music. This man is talented. Thank G-d it's good. It really makes me proud of being Jewish. I walk over to sit down at the dining room table, where my husband has been giving me my shots twice a day for the past few weeks. The music permeates the room and softens our mood. We smile at each other. I love this man. I love him because he is my best friend and we always get up after we fall down. I am blessed.

Saturday in the dark......

Well, I’ve decided to go through with the retrieval, even if we don’t have good odds.  It really would be a miracle if it worked.  I feel like I’m going insane.  I’ve been told by so many that I should try it, that I’d always wonder what could have been if I didn’t do it.  I think that’s what we keep trying to tell myself.  My gut tells me that it probably won’t work, and I dare not have too much hope.  Today, which was Shabbos, I spent all day either sleeping or being alone with my thoughts (never a good idea for a creative minded pessimist).  I felt so sad today I wished G-d would just take me – just dissolve me into thin air and get me away from this pain.  I sometimes wish that I could become some sort of a Jewish nun, a person who is married to G-d, a person who doesn’t have to deal with such painful things.  However, life would be quite rotten if I didn’t have my husband. So I guess I’ll keep on going……

heartbreak hotel

Today was the first time I really cried during this whole IVF cycle, besides nervously trying to give myself the Lupron shot. I cry because today we found out that we really may not have a great chance at this working. I was just starting to feel close and lovey dovey towards the staff & the doctor, and feeling like, 'yes this is really gonna happen!'. We've been told that we can either shut this down or we can go ahead, knowing that the odds are not good. Please G-d. I know that everything you do is for the ultimate good. I am trying to tell myself this. Maybe there is a child out there that is waiting for me to adopt him or her. Maybe. But that's such an unknown. More heartache. I am scared. I am waiting for a miracle. I am sure that the Jews in Gaza are praying for a miracle, and it hasn't yet happened. Why should it happen to me? Even the Lubavicher Rebbe and his wife did not have their own biological children - they were tzaddikim and couldn't have their prayers answered - then how can I expect to??

Above all, I love my husband more than ever before. As long as I have him in this storm, I know that we will be ok. I just wish that we could find out what we are supposed to do!

ode to a cocoa bean

Note to self....
buy bullet proof lock to put on freezer.
Chocolate and lupron cause splitting headaches.
Remember these words!

Goodbye ice cream, hello Tylenol!

Feh!

it was so worth it

Since I started taking the Lupron two weeks ago, I've been a pretty good girl. I've followed my Chinese medicine doctor's orders of eating only wholesome foods (read: cardboard delight), and getting lots of rest (sleeping in on Shabbos morning is no longer a guilty pleasure). But tonight I was a little bit naughty. I had some chocolate. Even my clinic warned me not to partake in controlled substances. But it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good. It was "you'll never believe or care it's parve" chocolate soy ice cream with chocolate chips. I only ate about 1/2 of a pint. Not so bad! But I thought if I confessed, the calories would not stick to anything more than my conscience.

sad times

I am thinking of Israel right now. I know that this disengagement will lead to major violence from our enemies. Only bad can come from this. Another concession - how is this going to be different? Where is our self-respect? People are ripped from their homes and put in subpar living conditions. I don't have the time to go into all of the insanity this brings. But sometimes I think this is what Hashem wants to happen. Maybe G-d is telling us something. I am afraid of what will be, especially tomorrow. I think this is the beginning of a new era..........

it's no soooo bad

It's amazing how we human beings can adapt to things - how something that was not a part of our lives the day before is now a part of their reality. We can resist reality, but it's still reality. Sounds quite deep. I won't go into the greeting cards industry anytime soon. What I really mean to say is that I've been getting these injections once a day (and since Shabbos, twice a day) for the past two weeks now, and it feels like we've been doing this for months. Well this process started months ago. We met with the doctor in May, and it took me a long long time to give in and say 'let's do it'. It takes a while to feel that desperate. People don't do this on a whim. I felt that if I didn't try this IVF thing, that I'd never forgive myself down the road. What if Hashem wants me to do this? What if we were destined to try it? All I know is that the next two weeks will pretty much determine our fates with this. It's scary and the only way to deal is to think of one day at a time. You cannot think of every step at once - it's just too overwhelming. Sometimes you just have to let go and say "ok G-d, just let me know when it's over".

brutal

I have been feeling very ill for the past day or so. I have a constant headache and I'm sick to my stomach. Is this training for pregnancy? Or training for birth control? I feel like I am going insane. I just want to feel well again. I want to feel normal. This is hell. I've tried doing my guided meditation to take my mind off of this, but it's proving nearly impossible. I have to go to the clinic again today for another test. I don't want to go anywhere. There's no way I can even go to work today (believe me, I'd rather be there than feeling like heck here). I've been up since 5am trying to feel better with ginger tea and crackers.

I hope to G-d that there is light at the end of this endless tunnel........

(not so) Magnificent Obssesion

Last night the movie, Not Without My Daughter was on tv. I couldn't sleep anyways, so I thought I'd catch a few minutes of it before collapsing into oblivion. I've seen this movie many times before, and always get fixated by Sally Field's character, who is a tricked by her Iranian-American husband to live in Iran whilst on 'vacation' in Tehran in the 1980's (how on earth that could be considered a vacation is beyond me....nice walks along the sniper lined beaches sound just ducky). Of course, I stayed up to watch the whole thing again. As the credits rolled at 1:00am, I realized that although I wouldn't be bright eyed & bushy tailed female that I normally am in the morning (NOT!!), I felt that I needed to know more about the story behind this very brave woman in the movie.....I'll write more about it as I research her...

hot stuff

This weekend, I had my first real hot flash, thanks to Lupron. I am in the segment of the IVF cycle where I am put into temporary menopause. Never ever again will I ever make fun of anyone or anything regarding menopause. I had always thought menopause symptoms were something perhaps 'annoying' but tolerable. Maybe a bit amusing. After experiencing the scorching relentless wave of heat searing through my body with a killer headache and nausea, I prayed for G-d to let me pass out. Thankfully, I did. I'll be happy to defend hot flashing women everywhere. You can even give me a cape.

a joke?

Last night I drempt that I had twin girls. Maybe I shouldn't be telling anyone my dream, since it might put an ayin hara (evil eye) on it. But at this point I am just filled with sadness. I need to vent. In my dream I remember telling everyone I saw that I had given birth. I saw the look in my husband's face - he looked so happy and proud. In my dream I kept thinking, "I have to email everyone and tell them why I've been absent for so long!". Life made sense...life went according to plan...the way it's SUPPOSED to be....life is good....and then I woke up.

Here we go again. Realty. Reality does bite. I know G-d is telling me to cry out...to ask him for what I want....to be like Rachel in the Torah who cries for her children....well to what end??? Even if I cry more & more, what will it bring me? Perhaps G-d just wants me to be closer to him, but maybe children aren't in the deal. G-d forbid! I want our lives to start as soon as possible!!! I am not only crying for my (future) children, I am waiting for them to arrive! Please come! I am here!

how to deal???

We recently got some very difficult news from the clinic, which may put a stop to our plans. I'd rather not share exactly what the news is, as I do want to keep some amount of privacy in this very very stressful and confusing journey, but what I do want to know is, how does one keep faith in such a very difficult time?? Every hazy day seems so blend into the next....either waiting for test results or getting shots....it's hard to get excited or get hopeful about much....

Since this is the Three Weeks, I have been listening to a tape that I received at the last Tisha B'Av presentation for the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation. A wonderful organization. Every Tisha B'Av they have a video presentation that is shown all around the world. It's usually very inspiring and touching. Rabbi Pesach Krohn and a few other rabbis give talks on various aspects of the destruction of the Bais Hamikdash. How do we mourn over a building that was destroyed over 1900 years ago? None of us have ever seen it happen...so how do we relate or meditate on that? The Rabbi explains, that not too long ago, in fact almost 4 years ago, two towers were attacked and obliterated in New York City. We can all imagine it. We all remember the shock and horror of all of those innocent victims losing their lives. We can build our yearning to be out of this galus and upside down world from the sad events of 9-11.

I guess the point of the Rabbi was that our lives in galus are so insecure and temporary. Nothing is guaranteed. There is so much sadness - so many people are suffering with illness, money problems, shidduch problems, deaths in family, childlessness, relationship problems, etc. Pehaps G-d wants us to turn to him, to turn to the source, and demand that we get out of this non-sensical life. Perhaps when we have the new and 'final' Bais Hamikdash, life will be without sufferering and we will know these horrible 'parshot' no more.

and this is coming from a chick who hasn't really gone to shul in months....