Today was the first time I really cried during this whole IVF cycle, besides nervously trying to give myself the Lupron shot. I cry because today we found out that we really may not have a great chance at this working. I was just starting to feel close and lovey dovey towards the staff & the doctor, and feeling like, 'yes this is really gonna happen!'. We've been told that we can either shut this down or we can go ahead, knowing that the odds are not good. Please G-d. I know that everything you do is for the ultimate good. I am trying to tell myself this. Maybe there is a child out there that is waiting for me to adopt him or her. Maybe. But that's such an unknown. More heartache. I am scared. I am waiting for a miracle. I am sure that the Jews in Gaza are praying for a miracle, and it hasn't yet happened. Why should it happen to me? Even the Lubavicher Rebbe and his wife did not have their own biological children - they were tzaddikim and couldn't have their prayers answered - then how can I expect to??
Above all, I love my husband more than ever before. As long as I have him in this storm, I know that we will be ok. I just wish that we could find out what we are supposed to do!
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