ring of fire...

The last good movie I saw in the theatres was Walk the Line, with Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon. It wasn't just good. It was stupendous. Phenominal. Inspiring. I just loved it. A perfect perfect marriage of incredible acting, wonderful script and just a plain interesting story about a man who reinvented his life. If you haven't seen this movie, please please run to your nearest box office and go see it. It will be a much more positive experience than most anything Hollywood has to office in the past few years. Heck, I even drove my office nuts by playing the music on the www.johnnycash.com website all day long for two days. Now everyone thinks I am a country music fan. I don't care. I just like good music.

Ok, now to talk about the last movie I saw: King Kong. I was SO looking forward to this, the next Peter Jackson baby, created by the man who made the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy. I love those movies, despite the fact that I don't like Sci-Fi/fantasy/StarTrek/Star Wars snore-a-thons. When I heard that this genious of a man was making another movie, I was SURE it was going to be a brilliant as the Lord movies. On Christmas day, what else do we Jews have to do except go to the movies? Amongst the plethora of films to see, the only one my husband & I agreed on was King Kong. What other time would we have a chance to see this 3+ hours movie?

I am sad to say that I was disappointed at this film. The acting was of course good with Naomi Watts & Adriene Brody, and for the first 1.5 hours it was a wonderful adventure story on a very spooky seemingly deserted island. But the film was heavy with the computer generated images (CGI), especially the creepy-crawly creatures and seemed to spend a lot of time concentrating on them. It's as if production had taken their thinking caps off and kept pressing the "easy" button. I'm sad to say I didn't love the movie. Thank G-d we caught the movie early in the day and paid the reduced rates for tickets.

Happy Chanukah!

my notebook

Well, it took me over 30 years, but I finally cried at a movie.  Not that this is necessarily a rite of passage for my being a female, but for me, my repressed me, it’s epic.  Maybe it’s my hormones, maybe it’s my ‘mature’ age, but this film moved me to tears – again and again.  It’s called The Notebook.  It wasn’t what I expected.  As I mentioned before, I joined an online DVD subscription service, and now that I’m hooked, I’m taking the opportunity to see as many movies as I can.  It’s my perhaps vain attempt to be cultured and live vicariously through the characters’ lives.  It’s my escape from thinking about our stressful life.  Most of the movies I’ve rented are horrible – so horrible that I don’t even bother nagging my husband to watch them with me (yes, aren’t I just the martyr?).  Instead, I borrow my husband’s 7” travel DVD player and prop up my pillows in bed and watch the movies on my lap.  It’s a welcome distraction.    

(**SPOILER ALERT***please note, if you haven’t seen the movie yet and don’t wish to see any spoilers, don’t read any further!)

Tonight, as I watched The Notebook, I really enjoyed the honesty and playfulness of the characters.  I found myself wishing I were as young and uninhibited as the lovers in the movie.  I cried…I cried as I realized that the old couple in the film were the young lovers so many years ago…and I cried because the old man, played by James Garner, still called his elderly & dementia-ridden wife “sweetheart”, just like a young man in love would.  I want that so much.  I want to grow old with my husband, who I know loves me more than anything.  I want so much to deserve that.  Not so many years ago, when I was single and quite depressed, I imagined that I would never marry.  I saw myself as an old maid.  I never thought I would find my true Beshert.  But now, I am living that.  I am married to a wonderful, loving, brilliant, strong, dedicated, protective, proud man (don’t forget he’s a great chef).  I have it made.  Even without children in our lives, I feel that our lives DO have meaning.  The fact that we love each other so much is so priceless to me.  Yes, it’s true that I am very emotional, perhaps more emotional than usual because of the hormonal fertility drugs (which I recently stopped taking…more about that later).  I feel (and fear) that there are so many things in life that is uncertain and can be so easily broken and lost. I don’t want to ever lose my husband.  I never want to feel the pain of not having him in my life.  When we die, will he still be with me?  Is this everlasting?  Of course, I don’t expect either of us to die anytime soon (G-d forbid!) but this movie really got me shaken up….I just hope that Hashem is listening to me…and I hope that maybe if children aren’t in our future, that he at least enables us to find meaning in other ways and find true happiness.

By the way, I did stop taking the fertility drugs.  This past IVF cycle failed.  I had two pregnancy tests:  one after the embryo transfer, which came up positive (!).  Two days later, the hormone levels dropped dramatically, and we were told to shut everything down.  Hence, our deep sadness.  We are living with coping with this outcome and the shock has worn off somewhat.  I’ve been sleeping terribly and I wake up in the middle of the night crying because of what I don’t have….a warm baby with a fuzzy bald head to kiss.  Will I ever have that??  I don’t know.  I don’t know what the future holds.  But really, as long as I have my sweet husband, I’ll be fine.

movielust

Hey ho, it's me again. Yes, it's been a while and yes it seems like my posts are getting more & more infrequent. While it's so easy to blame the drugs, and yes, they do cause me to be quite distracted, I only have myself to blame. I haven't put the effort into doing this. Maybe it’s because I don't have much to say...at least not yet...I don't know how much I want to reveal what's going on right now. I'm becoming paranoid. What if the wrong person reads this and it comes to backfire on me? That's the risk/irony of having a blog. You want others to read your plight yet at the same time want to stay somewhat anonymous....good luck :)

I recently became a trial member of one of those online movie rental deals, where you get your movie DVD selections mailed to you. I initially envisioned myself renting a zillion chick flicks to watch whilst recuperating from some medical procedures. Well a few weeks ago, I did just that. I rented some of my favorites including Muriels Wedding. I was so enthusiastic of these movies that I wanted to share them with my husband (besides, he still owed me for making me see Star Wars last summer). Well after lots of prodding, he finally agreed to see them. Poor guy. He was bored out of his mind, and to tell you the truth, I wasn't much more thrilled than he was. I realized that the movies I loved when I was younger, before I got married, were movies that were not based in reality. I used to worship Muriel's Wedding, about an ugly-duckling-turned Australian-swan. It was something for me to aspire to! But now that I am married and in a very satisfying real relationship, Muriel's life doesn't sound so appealing.

Maybe I'll just rent musicals from now on.......

Ms Drama Queen

Ms. Drama Queen

Once again, I haven’t written in my blog in a long time.  During the last IVF cycle, I wrote almost every few days or so.  I’ve gotten lazy.  Or maybe the constant holidays have torn me away from it.  I am not sure.  Writing is work!  I do love to write, once I am in the habit.  In my lifetime, it’s been one of the only things I can say that I am somewhat good at – I’m not a good cook (that’s my husband’s job), I’m not a great housekeeper (is that such a sin?), and I am not the most outgoing person in the world.  I have been down on myself lately, especially since I feel like I ‘should’ have figured out my life by now.  It’s a very silly and wasteful emotion to have, but very seductive.  It’s easy to get into a spiral of ‘I’m no good – I don’t have a career, I haven’t contributed much to society, blah blah  blah’…So to redeem myself, last night when I was trying very hard to fall asleep, I thought about all the things I should be thankful for.  I had been reading a book about a woman who had childhood cancer, and had to have half of her jaw removed.  She was teased and ostracized by other children and had horrible surgeries and chemotherapies.  It made me realize that I am LUCKY, and that I don’t have much to complain about, even though so often, I am so dissatisfied with life.  I try to tell myself that am really blessed, because I can walk, breathe without assistance, have a normal digestive system, I can see, I can hear, I can use my hands, I have a job, I don’t have creditors after me, and have a lovely bunch of friends and family that I adore.  I have a husband who loves me and I love him.  We don’t fight.  We are friends.  I know that there are many who do not have that.  Hashem has blessed me.  I just need to have a permanent sticky note pressed on my forehead to remind me!  

a cure for depression?

I've discovered the puggle, which is a cross between a pug & a beagle. Just take a look at this....it's impossible to be in a bad mood!

Maybe I can persuade dear husband to get one...happy wife is a happy husband is a happy household...

coming up for air....

It’s been a long time since I last posted.  Almost two weeks.  An eternity in the blogworld.  Well for those who are reading, I thought I’d give an update.  

When I got to the clinic on the morning of the scheduled embryo transfer, there was a problem.  I hadn’t been feeling well ever since the retrieval a few days earlier, and was a bit bloated, but nothing out of the ordinary.  When we arrived at the clinic, the first thing they make you do, before anything, is go on the scale.  Of course.  Of all the indignities that doctors make you go through, this is the worst.  Forget about the gowns that have a cross-breeze.  Never mind the poking & prodding.  This is the real torture.  When I stepped on the scale, my husband very smartly looked away, so he wouldn’t see my reacting to a non-waif weight.  I winced when I noticed the New Nurse nudging the little scale weights to the right…I started to slightly panic.  No way, I couldn’t have gained any weight… I couldn’t have gained THAT much….10 pounds….in just 5 days!?!  I didn’t even have any chocolate!

The nurse led me & dear husband over to the recovery area, where we were to wait for the staff to summon me for the transfer.  We waited and waited, until our regular nurse came over to me and said she needed to see my belly.  She placed her hands on my stomach and assessed my girth like a crystal ball.  “We’re just checking to make sure you are ok, that you didn’t hyperstimulate”.  Hyperstimulation is one of the rare but very dangerous & potentially life threatening side effects of the IVF drugs.  Very scary indeed.

I was immediately whisked to the procedure room, where the nurse performed a quick  ultrasound, and whisked back to the recovery room.  More waiting.  Dear husband looks at me and says “I bet we don’t do the transfer today.”  I can’t think straight.  My optimism was wearing thin.  Usually he’s right about these things, but I don’t want to know the truth.  We are being tested yet again – another hurdle.  What else?

The waiting is getting more difficult, as I have more-than-full bladder, which is a requirement for the embryo transfer procedure.  I once was denied from going to the bathroom for over 4 hours whilst on an Egged bus from the middle of Israel to Haifa many years ago.  I keep telling myself that if I could do that, I could wait a few more minutes before having a meltdown.  Of course, my bladder was 12 years younger, and I wasn’t hyped up on industrial strength hormones back then.  

Husband & I hear voices…shoes shuffling…many shoes…and the curtain to our recovery area opens.  We are visited by the doctor, two nurses and two embryologists.  A staff meeting.  Not a good sign.  We are told that I am on the verge of hyperstimulating.  On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being bad), I am a 9…I am this close to landing myself in the hospital.  The doctor explains to me that he would like to do the embryo transfer, but if I he did, and I became pregnant, he could guarantee I would be in intensive care within days.  Basically my body kept stimulating, even though I was off of the Gonal-F ovarian stimulation drugs.  This explains my gaining of 10 pounds (of fluid in my abdomen)…my discomfort, everything.  The doctor tells me that the option now is to do a frozen embryo transfer in a few months.  A FEW MONTHS??      

My main concern at that moment wasn’t pregnancy.  It was getting well.  I was scared.  What if I sneezed wrong?  What if I moved the wrong way?  Would my ovaries erupt?  Would I be in immeasurable pain? When will my body return to normal?  

For the next week, I was on bedrest.  I watched a lot of horrible tv.  I took more drugs to decrease the swelling.  I felt like an amoeba just breathing for the sake of medication and sleeping.  

Now that I’ve pretty much recovered, I feel like I am in a holding pattern until I start the drugs again to prepare myself for the frozen embryo transfer cycle.  I don’t know if I can do this again.   If G-d forbid, this does not work in a few months, I don’t think I want to spend more money, time, and emotional heartbreak on IVF.  I just want to be a parent.  I want to be somebody’s Mommy.  I want my husband to be a Daddy.  He would really be good.  I want to share that with him.  He deserves it, and I do too!

how devastating....

I am just beside myself regarding what is happening in the southern states.  The entire city of New Orleans must be evacuated.  Bourbon Street is in ruins.  It is unbelievable the pain & suffering the citizens of these cities must be going through.  They have lost their homes, and most have no place to go.  It’s just devastating.  I found a few website that people can contribute money to help the Jewish communities that have suffered….so far I have found…
Chabad Hurricane Relief Fund
United Jewish Communities

It goes to show that we do not really have control over what happens in this world.  When we become arrogant and go off the derech, Hashem sends signals to knock us back into reality.  I dare not say that this is why this hurricane of this magnitude happened, but it is perhaps a reminder that we can always do better.  Always do another mitzvah, always be kind to others (a challenge for me).  May we only know of good times from now on!!!

hot potato

It is Monday night and in my fridge is currently a large Ziploc baggie of homemade baked cubed sweet potatoes.  Ordinarily, this delicious side dish (who am I kidding…meal) would be snarfed down by Shabbos morning, by yours truly.  My wonderful husband, the chef in the family, lovingly makes them for me several times a month for Friday night dinner.  Almost nothing makes me happier than these potatoes, which is seasoned with cinnamon, a little cayenne pepper, olive oil and salt.  It’s like eating candy…..ok, candy with fiber.  Nevertheless, any leftovers from Friday night are saved for Shabbos morning…and if it so happens that I don’t go to shul, I eat the remainder whilst reading the newspaper.  I don’t even bother getting a plate.  I just dig into my bag of goodness – one hand dirty with cinnamon crumbs, the other black with newspaper stains. Martha Stewart would be so proud.

This past Friday night, I could barely eat a few bites of this delicacy.  I’ve been on a bunch of new drugs since the retrieval – and they cause an encyclopedia of symptoms, including mimicking the symptoms of pregnancy (and none of them causing me to glow!!).  I am hoping that with the help of my alternative medicine connections, I can figure out how to feel better rather than add one more drug.

One more thing, the embryo transfer is scheduled for tomorrow morning.  It’s the pinnacle of a very long journey.  I’m finally getting very nervous.  If G-d willing, the embryos have survived the 5-6 day waiting period since fertilization, and they implant themselves successfully, then we start what is called 2WW or dreadfully called in the infertility world as the TWO WEEK WAIT.  It is then we will find out if all of our hard work (and I’m including myself, dear husband, the doctor, and nurses) have paid off.  It’s pretty much in G-d’s hands.  I guess I can only pray for Hashem to provide whatever is supposed to happen.  I just hope it’s the answer we are looking for….

another hurdle jumped!!!!

We got some very good news from the clinic today. Very encouraging. In a few days is the transfer (where they put the embryo(s) in me). I am trying not to get too excited about it, just trying to be even keeled. We have a few more challenges to meet, but hopefully Hashem will give us our dream. I never ever thought we would get to this point. This will be a good Shabbos!!!

I am taking less & less for granted these days. Everyone who supports us is much appreciated!!!

Twilight Zone

Well I’m back at home from the retrieval.  I don’t remember any of the procedure whatsoever.  I was given twilight sedation, which makes you forget everything.  I had never had sedation before so I was a bit concerned that I would somehow wake up during the procedure in psychotic pain.  All I remember is being told to lie down on the procedure table, and the next thing I know, I’m sitting in the big comfy chair in the recovery room.  When I was wheeled from the procedure room to recovery, my concerned husband told me that the nurse said that I’m a bit ‘drunk’.  Looking a bit glassy-eyed and swaying from side to side, I then proceeded to proclaim that I would like to have a drink of rum (which I don’t consume, unless it’s in pound cake…yum).  If there is anything I’ve learned about my experience this morning, it is that I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS DRUG!!  If only I could take this during other uncomfortable life experiences, like waiting in line at the DMV.

Anyways, I digress.  Recovery is moderately uncomfortable.  I guess I’ve felt worse, but I’m on enough drugs to hopefully counteract the swelling and pain.  The nurses will let us know tomorrow if this stage is a success.    

still grooving.....

Maybe I'm in denial, but I'm really doing fine at the moment. In two days, G-d willing, I will undergo the retrieval. I'm becoming less afraid of things that I once thought would be terrifying. I don't kid myself - this is hard work and is taxing emotionally & financially, but it is absolutely worth it. I never would have tried this if it had not been the encouragement of the brave souls on the message boards I visit almost every day ( www.atime.org) If anyone Jewish is going through any infertilty issue, I highly recommend that organization. I have never felt as supported by strangers as I have through them.

Ok, I'm still listening to my Gershon Veroba CD (http://www.veroba.net)- one of my favorite songs is one in hebrew called Tsur. Here's a link to a sample, http://cdbaby.com/mp3lofi/veroba5-12.m3u?cdbaby=7b97e0e0b4d266ec12b7785fda61fc70
You can't help but be in a good mood listening to it!

Thank G-d for Music.....

Today dear husband & I were in foul spirits. We were pretty down about our situation, with varying degrees of anger, sadness and despair. We can handle it when only ONE of us is in bad mood, but when both of us are angry, sad, whatever, it’s a lot more difficult to pick each other up. In fact, we don’t. I hate those times. We love each other very much, but during such a tremendous crisis such as this, it literally feels as if the world will end. The sun will never shine again. Nothing is funny anymore.

Well after running a bunch of much needed errands, we walked by one of the local Judaica shops. We had been meaning to buy a new havdalah candle (our current one was a pathetic messy stump), and perhaps they would have one for us to purchase. Well we walk in, and the store is more fancy-shmancy than I anticipated. Lots of expensive silver candelabras and kiddish cups. I began to have doubts that they would have a measly $2 havdalah candle. The store owner, a very pleasant Israeli transplant, asks us if she can help us. I felt guilty for saying I wanted to get such a small item, as I walked by the beautiful white Shabbos tablecloths for sale. She located a blue & white braided candle and handed it to me. Guilt guilt guilt. Oh I must look around. It’s the least I can do for walking into her store. I can’t give the impression that I don’t want to give her my business. Suddenly I spy a very large collection of Jewish CD’s. My husband knows what’s coming. It’s very similar to my chocolate addiction and my bookstore addiction...I must have one!! Just a taste. Let’s just listen to a few and let’s see what’s good…

The store owner, knowing that she had caught me, hook, line & sinker, sashayed over to the CD player on top of the display, and selected a few albums for me to listen to. She put in some Mordechai Ben David, and a few other CD’s I had never heard of…wow, something else to obsess about rather than IVF is a good thing! She put in a wonderful CD by Gershon Veroba called Impressions. It’s a compilation of the music of ‘modern’ singers (Celine Dion, Eric Clapton, Green Day, Chicago, Monkees) and using his own very clever & impressive Jewish-themed lyrics. I loved it so much that I wanted to buy several copies for my friends & family….ok, hold your horses, I told myself, impulse buying is not a good idea these lean days. However I told her that I also loved mizrachi music. Big mistake. She showed me the CD of a very hypnotic and beautiful Israeli singer. I am sucker for mizrachi music. I almost can’t resist…I’m adding this up in my head. Must resist!!

We check out and just buy the havdalah candle & the Gershon Veroba CD, blurting out that “we’ll be back again to buy more”. I am sure we are not kidding, but I hope we remember to do so soon.

When we got home, our mood was still a bit tinged with sadness and anger. In about 1/2 hour he would have to give me another injection - could it be for nothing? Are we wasting our time? Why are we going through this? Will we ever have children? Will they be biological? Does it matter? Will we ever be lucky enough to be parents??? As the time to dole out the medication arrived, my husband went to wash his hands & prepare the shot. I took the opportunity to open our new CD and put it in the player in the living room. I turned the volume up. As Gershon Veroba's singing transmitted throughout the room, I cracked a smile. This is good music. This man is talented. Thank G-d it's good. It really makes me proud of being Jewish. I walk over to sit down at the dining room table, where my husband has been giving me my shots twice a day for the past few weeks. The music permeates the room and softens our mood. We smile at each other. I love this man. I love him because he is my best friend and we always get up after we fall down. I am blessed.

Saturday in the dark......

Well, I’ve decided to go through with the retrieval, even if we don’t have good odds.  It really would be a miracle if it worked.  I feel like I’m going insane.  I’ve been told by so many that I should try it, that I’d always wonder what could have been if I didn’t do it.  I think that’s what we keep trying to tell myself.  My gut tells me that it probably won’t work, and I dare not have too much hope.  Today, which was Shabbos, I spent all day either sleeping or being alone with my thoughts (never a good idea for a creative minded pessimist).  I felt so sad today I wished G-d would just take me – just dissolve me into thin air and get me away from this pain.  I sometimes wish that I could become some sort of a Jewish nun, a person who is married to G-d, a person who doesn’t have to deal with such painful things.  However, life would be quite rotten if I didn’t have my husband. So I guess I’ll keep on going……

heartbreak hotel

Today was the first time I really cried during this whole IVF cycle, besides nervously trying to give myself the Lupron shot. I cry because today we found out that we really may not have a great chance at this working. I was just starting to feel close and lovey dovey towards the staff & the doctor, and feeling like, 'yes this is really gonna happen!'. We've been told that we can either shut this down or we can go ahead, knowing that the odds are not good. Please G-d. I know that everything you do is for the ultimate good. I am trying to tell myself this. Maybe there is a child out there that is waiting for me to adopt him or her. Maybe. But that's such an unknown. More heartache. I am scared. I am waiting for a miracle. I am sure that the Jews in Gaza are praying for a miracle, and it hasn't yet happened. Why should it happen to me? Even the Lubavicher Rebbe and his wife did not have their own biological children - they were tzaddikim and couldn't have their prayers answered - then how can I expect to??

Above all, I love my husband more than ever before. As long as I have him in this storm, I know that we will be ok. I just wish that we could find out what we are supposed to do!

ode to a cocoa bean

Note to self....
buy bullet proof lock to put on freezer.
Chocolate and lupron cause splitting headaches.
Remember these words!

Goodbye ice cream, hello Tylenol!

Feh!

it was so worth it

Since I started taking the Lupron two weeks ago, I've been a pretty good girl. I've followed my Chinese medicine doctor's orders of eating only wholesome foods (read: cardboard delight), and getting lots of rest (sleeping in on Shabbos morning is no longer a guilty pleasure). But tonight I was a little bit naughty. I had some chocolate. Even my clinic warned me not to partake in controlled substances. But it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good. It was "you'll never believe or care it's parve" chocolate soy ice cream with chocolate chips. I only ate about 1/2 of a pint. Not so bad! But I thought if I confessed, the calories would not stick to anything more than my conscience.

sad times

I am thinking of Israel right now. I know that this disengagement will lead to major violence from our enemies. Only bad can come from this. Another concession - how is this going to be different? Where is our self-respect? People are ripped from their homes and put in subpar living conditions. I don't have the time to go into all of the insanity this brings. But sometimes I think this is what Hashem wants to happen. Maybe G-d is telling us something. I am afraid of what will be, especially tomorrow. I think this is the beginning of a new era..........

it's no soooo bad

It's amazing how we human beings can adapt to things - how something that was not a part of our lives the day before is now a part of their reality. We can resist reality, but it's still reality. Sounds quite deep. I won't go into the greeting cards industry anytime soon. What I really mean to say is that I've been getting these injections once a day (and since Shabbos, twice a day) for the past two weeks now, and it feels like we've been doing this for months. Well this process started months ago. We met with the doctor in May, and it took me a long long time to give in and say 'let's do it'. It takes a while to feel that desperate. People don't do this on a whim. I felt that if I didn't try this IVF thing, that I'd never forgive myself down the road. What if Hashem wants me to do this? What if we were destined to try it? All I know is that the next two weeks will pretty much determine our fates with this. It's scary and the only way to deal is to think of one day at a time. You cannot think of every step at once - it's just too overwhelming. Sometimes you just have to let go and say "ok G-d, just let me know when it's over".

brutal

I have been feeling very ill for the past day or so. I have a constant headache and I'm sick to my stomach. Is this training for pregnancy? Or training for birth control? I feel like I am going insane. I just want to feel well again. I want to feel normal. This is hell. I've tried doing my guided meditation to take my mind off of this, but it's proving nearly impossible. I have to go to the clinic again today for another test. I don't want to go anywhere. There's no way I can even go to work today (believe me, I'd rather be there than feeling like heck here). I've been up since 5am trying to feel better with ginger tea and crackers.

I hope to G-d that there is light at the end of this endless tunnel........

(not so) Magnificent Obssesion

Last night the movie, Not Without My Daughter was on tv. I couldn't sleep anyways, so I thought I'd catch a few minutes of it before collapsing into oblivion. I've seen this movie many times before, and always get fixated by Sally Field's character, who is a tricked by her Iranian-American husband to live in Iran whilst on 'vacation' in Tehran in the 1980's (how on earth that could be considered a vacation is beyond me....nice walks along the sniper lined beaches sound just ducky). Of course, I stayed up to watch the whole thing again. As the credits rolled at 1:00am, I realized that although I wouldn't be bright eyed & bushy tailed female that I normally am in the morning (NOT!!), I felt that I needed to know more about the story behind this very brave woman in the movie.....I'll write more about it as I research her...

hot stuff

This weekend, I had my first real hot flash, thanks to Lupron. I am in the segment of the IVF cycle where I am put into temporary menopause. Never ever again will I ever make fun of anyone or anything regarding menopause. I had always thought menopause symptoms were something perhaps 'annoying' but tolerable. Maybe a bit amusing. After experiencing the scorching relentless wave of heat searing through my body with a killer headache and nausea, I prayed for G-d to let me pass out. Thankfully, I did. I'll be happy to defend hot flashing women everywhere. You can even give me a cape.

a joke?

Last night I drempt that I had twin girls. Maybe I shouldn't be telling anyone my dream, since it might put an ayin hara (evil eye) on it. But at this point I am just filled with sadness. I need to vent. In my dream I remember telling everyone I saw that I had given birth. I saw the look in my husband's face - he looked so happy and proud. In my dream I kept thinking, "I have to email everyone and tell them why I've been absent for so long!". Life made sense...life went according to plan...the way it's SUPPOSED to be....life is good....and then I woke up.

Here we go again. Realty. Reality does bite. I know G-d is telling me to cry out...to ask him for what I want....to be like Rachel in the Torah who cries for her children....well to what end??? Even if I cry more & more, what will it bring me? Perhaps G-d just wants me to be closer to him, but maybe children aren't in the deal. G-d forbid! I want our lives to start as soon as possible!!! I am not only crying for my (future) children, I am waiting for them to arrive! Please come! I am here!

how to deal???

We recently got some very difficult news from the clinic, which may put a stop to our plans. I'd rather not share exactly what the news is, as I do want to keep some amount of privacy in this very very stressful and confusing journey, but what I do want to know is, how does one keep faith in such a very difficult time?? Every hazy day seems so blend into the next....either waiting for test results or getting shots....it's hard to get excited or get hopeful about much....

Since this is the Three Weeks, I have been listening to a tape that I received at the last Tisha B'Av presentation for the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation. A wonderful organization. Every Tisha B'Av they have a video presentation that is shown all around the world. It's usually very inspiring and touching. Rabbi Pesach Krohn and a few other rabbis give talks on various aspects of the destruction of the Bais Hamikdash. How do we mourn over a building that was destroyed over 1900 years ago? None of us have ever seen it happen...so how do we relate or meditate on that? The Rabbi explains, that not too long ago, in fact almost 4 years ago, two towers were attacked and obliterated in New York City. We can all imagine it. We all remember the shock and horror of all of those innocent victims losing their lives. We can build our yearning to be out of this galus and upside down world from the sad events of 9-11.

I guess the point of the Rabbi was that our lives in galus are so insecure and temporary. Nothing is guaranteed. There is so much sadness - so many people are suffering with illness, money problems, shidduch problems, deaths in family, childlessness, relationship problems, etc. Pehaps G-d wants us to turn to him, to turn to the source, and demand that we get out of this non-sensical life. Perhaps when we have the new and 'final' Bais Hamikdash, life will be without sufferering and we will know these horrible 'parshot' no more.

and this is coming from a chick who hasn't really gone to shul in months....

thou shalt not stabbeth thy self

Well I survived the first injection. I had insisted to my husband and to everyone else that I would be the one to give myself the shots, at least the subcutaneous ones. I studied the technique. I read many manuals. I perused the drug literature several times. I felt ready. It looked like a breeze (diabetics do it every day, why can't I?). So on Shabbos, about an hour before I was supposed to do the deed, I got major shpilkes (nervous nelly syndrome). I kept walking into the living room, where my husband was reading his latest paperback, and I said "maybe I should start preparing now for the shot". My husband looked at me as he does every time I get nervous about something new. This wasn't just something new - I was about to stab myself!!

At about 15 minutes before the self-assigned time, I sat down at the dining room table and started to assemble the injection kit, which contains alchohol pads, a small vial of Lupron, and sterile insuline syringes. It was quite surreal. This now was a part of our lives. I began to slowly panic.....

How hard should I inject? Will it hurt so bad that I'll faint? Will it feel like a safety pin? What if it won't go in?? And I have to do this every day and soon to be twice a day! If I can't do it myself, then I'm really a big baby!!

I dutifully re-read the clinic's patient instructions and follow it as if a recipie: wash hands (I did twice), wipe top of vial with alcohol pad, insert needle into the vial, draw the Lupron in to the syringe, make sure of no air bubbles, wipe injection site with alcohol pad, pinch injection site, position syringe in hand to inject Lupron into skin, and...and...and....HAND WON'T GO! With husband standing next to me for support, he witnessed me attempting to inject myself, but somehow the needle never touched my skin. "Ok honey, it's like taking off a Band-Aid....just DO it". I tried that - for 35 minutes I tried to muster up courage and talk myself into doing it....counting 1, 2, 3....and my hand chickened out every time. More panic. I started to hyperventilate. My hand that held the syringe turned ice cold. I was scared. I started to cry. I'm such a baby, I thought. My husband, who was understandibly at the end of his rope of being coach, finally said to me "do you want me to do this?".

I reluctantly said yes - I was paralyzed by fear, and at this point, did't want anyone to inject me. He then walked over to the bathroom to wash his hands, and came back to me. I was still pinching the injection site for dear life. "Let go" he said, as he took over and I closed my eyes. It took 2 seconds. It was over. HE DID IT!!!! I didn't even feel it. I thought for a split second that it didn't work. But he did it!! Thank G-d for my husband. He saved the day!! I hugged him and said thanked him profusely. It was over. At least for tonight. He offers to do this again tomorrow for me. Maybe I'll try it again myself after a few days, but it's so wonderful to know that my darling husband is willing to do it and is quite competent at this. One less thing to stress about!

getting pricked

So this Shabbos afternoon I'm scheduled to start the injections. I've been told this won't be so bad. They are subcutaneous (under the skin, as opposed to into the muscle - those come later!), so they aren't supposed to hurt much. And yes, I can administer them myself. Can you imagine the horror of injecting a needle into your body? How many relaxation tapes will it take for me to get that goofy look on my face and say in my best Tony Robbins confindent voice, "yes I can take this challenge!". I've actually learned that if I just take one thing at a time, it's pretty duable (it's also don'table too :)

sunday morning

I haven't yet figured out how to doll this blog up. I wish I knew how to put those fancy graphics and make it look 'mine'. I dont' have the patience at the moment to do so. Oh well, I have much more pressing things to think about.

I am starting to feel more a peace with my fertility clinic. At first I was really kicking and screaming about this. Getting to this point has been a real struggle (read: emotional roller coaster ride from hell). For the past 10 years or so, I have swayed towards alternative medicine. If anyone has a clue about fertility treatment, it is ANYTHING but a natural treatment. First they stop your reproductive system and then they re-start it (by turbo charging to it!) so they can control it. I think the thing I had most issue with is that THEY are controlling me, my body. It scared the hell out of me. But only recently, I realized that the treatment is only temporary, and that to get to my goal (having children, yes there is a goal to all this mishegas) it's worth it for me!! I had a LOT of help in feeling positive about this (including from family members, strangers online on message boards, relaxation tapes, my Chinese medicine doctor, my dear husband, and probably, G-d and perhaps the souls of family members who have passed on!). If anyone out there is contemplating IVF, I can totally appreciate that it is a very scary process, and that it's so important to get as much info from people who have been through this before. The organization RESOLVE and the Jewish orthodox organization ATIME have been absolutely invaluable to me. In fact, if it weren't for ATIME, I am sure I would not have tried IVF.

Only recently did I really appreciate that these people at the clinic, that although we are giving them a ton of money, that they are helping us to achieve a miracle. It is truly a miracle that a human life comes from a single tiny little embryo. It's no easy task. Right now, it feels like so many things are on our side to help us along this scary but potentially very exciting journey. I am cautiously optimistic.

isn't this fun

So one of the wonderful side effects of taking some of these fertility drugs is having PMS 24 hours a day. The nurses of course tell me 'this is to be expected', so now I have to learn not to snap at people just because they are too cheerful for my liking. Maybe G-d is testing my midot. I know I am lousy at being patient when I am not feeling the greatest. Who is? You hear sometimes of people who are critically ill, are in pain, or just have a horrible life, yet they still are able to look beyond themselves and are sincerely concerned with the well-being of others. How do they do it? I know it is all ego. If I only could stop thinking of myself things would be good, right? What is a healthy balance? When is it proper to say, "hey I'm not feeling to spectactular, I need to lie down, but before I do, how is that diverticulitus of yours doing today?"

Maybe I need to learn to meditate like one of those ancient Yogis who can lower their blood pressure 100 points just by breathing.

Of course there are drugs.

nighty night!

Onward ho!

About a week ago the clinic started me on birth control pills. It's ironic, since my goals is TO get pregnant, not prevent it! The side effects so far has been foggyheadedness, a lingering nausea and headaches. Tylenol & peppermint tea are my constant companions. I dislike the idea of taking drugs, but they need to control my reproductive system before they start me on the major league injections. I'm not as scared of it as I was before. I think G-d is giving me strength, because I am really a big baby when it comes to the nitty gritty of pain.

I also need to learn to think more positively. Part of me thinks that thinking positively is lying to myself (yeah I can imagine telling myself that the injections are gonna feel SO good). But in the end, if it makes me a calmer person, it makes the entire process easier and hopefully gives it a chance to be more successful!

hopefully I won't get into any more power struggles with my scheduling nurse. That's a story for another day!

Lupe!

This month I am starting the protocols for IVF. Invitro fertilization. I think I spelled that wrong, but my mind is completely shot. Lots of things going on lately. My brother just got married and the celebrations are still going on. I am so happy for him, his new bride and the whole family. These sorts of events bring so many wonderful friends/family and other familiar faces together. Its lots of fun, but it's hard to be stretched so thin with this next chapter of our lives beginning. I hope to G-d we will only have to go through IVF just once. I'm less worried about the money than how high our stress levels will become. Will we be able to survive the next few months? Yes it's true that I have lots of support and I've been taking somewhat good care of myself, but still we will have to go through the motions of taking the drugs every single day. Feh. I pray that G-d will give us an easy time with this.

right under my nose.....

In the early 90's I went to Israel for 6 months to live on an a kibbutz. I had never lived outside of the US before. I was encouraged by my Hillel director to go - she knew I had gone off the Derech and this was one place to send a single girl to find her self (or a husband, whatever happens first). I loved it, despite the fact that I gained 3o pounds during my stay. It was all the fault of the elderly women of the kibbutz laundry, where I worked. Almost every day they would bring in cake & alchohol for a L'Chaim - another grandchild born, another engagement to celebrate, and everytime they toasted, they gave me that twinkly-eyed look of "oh I hope she finds a nice boy".

Little did they (or I) know that this nice Jewish boy would never surface during my stay in the Holy Land. It took many years (and toads) later to find my soulmate, a classmate of mine from high school and one of my brother's good friends. My husband likes to say he married his high school sweetheart, only 10(+) years later.

Proof that G-d has a sense of humor...

bigfoot or elvis....you decide!

No, it's not the latest varsity mascot or even a raccoon in a bear costume. This is actually a photo of a red panda in a Japananese zoo - you can check out an article about him with this link:
http://www.boingboing.net/2005/05/20/standing_panda.html

l'hamshich!

While my wonderful husband cooks for Shabbos dinner tonight, I thought I'd start writing my blog (he cooks and I do the dishes - believe me I know I'm lucky!!). It's such a strange thing for me to post my thoughts online on my own website. If I write my goofy thoughts on another website, it's less magnified than here. On this blog, what you see is what you get. It's more vulnerable when you put your name on a blog. Maybe people will think that the things I type here is what defines me. I fear that I will come off too flippant or too serious (depending on my mood) and people will judge me accordingly. Oh well. Life shall go on. Maybe I'm being the too-sensitive artist. Just shut up and write!

For most of my life, I have imagined that I would end up as a writer. What I would write about, is something I never finalized/decided (it would be a good idea, huh?). I've done many things to become a writer, but nothing to be a living breathing working writer. I put in many hours journaling and taking writers workshops but nothing ever came into fruition. Quite honestly, it's a lot of work - it's really a rare breed that can keep at it, write something inspiring and succeed.

This blog could go in many different directions - I have many things going on my my life and I am not sure what I want to share and what to keep private - only time and my brain will tell....

Well it's time to finish setting the Shabbos table.

Signing off, over & out!

Joining the band wagon (yeeha....)

Hello everyone,

I've decided to start my own blog. I don't have a particular focus (maybe it's the ADD) for this blog, but since I am a married-observant-Jewish-thirtysomething-animal loving (not PETA, chas v'chalila)-closet writing-organic food eating-Italophile-kickboxing-female, this should be interesting.

Let's make the most of this 15 minutes o' fame, shall we? :)